There has been a lot of discussion about physical and sexual abuse of children, but lately people have begun to talk about emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a very difficult concept to get a handle on. Corporal punishment is controversial, but at least it's definable. Either you hit the child, or you didn't.

But what is emotional abuse? Many say it doesn't exist, or that we (bleeding hearts) are too quick to label some parents as emotionally abusive. Not too many years ago, the same criticism applied to sexual abuse, but today few people would deny its existence or seriousness.

Emotional abuse is real, is tangible, and it is hurting children. There are two aspects to consider: that of abuse, and that of neglect. A booklet titled Emotional Maltreatment of Children, produced by the National Committee for the Prevention of Child Abuse (NCPCA) in the United States, provides a useful definition:

"Emotional maltreatment consists of acts of omission or commission by a parent or guardian that are judged by a mixture of community values and professional expertise to be inappropriate and damaging to the development of personality."

The term "maltreatment" covers both abuse and neglect, and allows us to discuss the real issue, which is the emotional needs of children.

Edna Nash, a marriage and family counsellor, says a difficulty in defining emotional maltreatment comes from the fact that treatment toward the child is not the only variable; family atmosphere is a major consideration. In addition, the personality of an individual child can alter perception.

This means a feisty child, or one raised in a generally positive environment, can rise above an individual case of emotional maltreatment. An insecure child, or a child raised in a generally negative environment, could find the same treatment devastating. In other words, it matters what the child does with the abuse.

Emotional maltreatment can include:

• constant belittling and criticism

• blaming a child for things over which she or he has no control

• using a child as a scapegoat when things go wrong

• ridiculing and shaming a child

• threatening a child's health or safety

• taking no interest in a child's activities and problems

• withholding love and affection

• treating a child differently from other children at home

• placing unreasonable demands and expectations upon a child that go beyond his or her capabilities

Rejection is a typical example of emotional maltreatment. Rejection can range from a divorcing parent who discontinues contact with the child, to parents who literally toss the child out, to parents who constantly tell their children they are unwanted. ("I wish I'd never had kids.")

Consistently ignoring children is another form of emotional maltreatment and can take a number of forms. One example is being unavailable to a child because of a busy schedule. Some parents with home-based businesses run the risk of being physically present, but too preoccupied to really pay attention the needs of the child. The trap lies in the parental belief that just being with the child constitutes quality parenting.

Asking a child to grow up too quickly is another form of maltreatment. Parents who treat children as adults ignore the normal developmental stages of childhood. They talk to their kids about problems too serious for a child to be asked to consider. For example, a mother may awaken a ten year-old to talk about a problem with her boyfriend or husband.

Verbal assaults, name-calling, and put-downs are all forms of maltreatment. Name-calling is often written off as teasing, but children who constantly hear themselves defined as clumsy or stupid will believe it and act accordingly. When children hear their parents speak of them negatively ("I know she will not be able to behave while we're here," or "He is really being a problem"), they may cringe, or meet and exceed the negative expectations.

Children need social experiences. Emotional maltreatment can also include discouraging friendships, not making your home welcoming to other children, and discouraging community or group activities.

Emotional maltreatment can range from mild to severe. Victims of mild maltreatment will probably get on with their lives, and even be successful, but often there will be something lacking. For example, they may have low self-esteem, little confidence, or an inability to form relationships. These individuals may become parents who, because they do not realize they were maltreated, may in turn inflict emotional abuse on their own children.

Much emotional maltreatment is subtle. Parents who want to stop the cycle must first acknowledge that it occurs. The next step is to be aware of the physical and emotional needs of children and work to help them develop into healthy, independent, happy young people with high self-esteem. Parenting education is one route to learning positive ways of interacting with children. Parents with unresolved issues from their childhood can benefit from counselling. Whatever the route, don't wait. Our children need our physical, emotional and psychological support now.

President of Parenting Today, Kathy is a career parenting educator and the speaker of choice at conferences, workplace wellness seminars, and professional training days.

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