Oh gosh, here I go again. At 55, I thought I was too old for this. But I must confess I love being in love. It brings life, if not one's genitals, into full blossom. But what if I get hurt again? Oh well, fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Besides, heartbeats are our ultimate non-renewable resource. Why waste them in the boring safety of the lonely hearts' club. Or, as someone once said: "Dance like there's no one watching. Love like it will never hurt." What is this thing called love?

Love is a state of consciousness. It's purpose is to help us discover our Self and to open our heart. Love is difficult to sustain because it triggers two basic fears -- the fear of being abandoned ("Please don't leave me!") and/or the fear of being smothered ("Give me space!"). Like waves on the beach, love may surge through your body, only to slide away into an ocean of uncomfortable feelings. Just when you feel wonderfully loving, an internal voice screams, "Get the hell out of here!" Yet most often the warning is misplaced and greatly exaggerated.

Love's speed bumps are triggered by it's special power to open our body and arouse old emotional injuries. They also signal the healing of those old wounds. Our first experiences of being loved and loving generated powerful positive and negative emotions. These old emotions always emerge when we feel loved or loving. Bodily sensations, which we don't understand and most people are afraid of, bubble to the surface. Then the love seems to fade.

Frank and Sara meet, fall in love, decide to commit. One evening they are together. The mood is just right -- dinner, candles lit, fireplace burning. They feel their love for each other. It is one of those moments when life and loving move in a mystical spiritual realm -- and it feels gooood!

Sara: "I was so happy being with Frank. He was so caring, present, attentive, exciting, sexual. Everything was perfect. We were at the height of sensual, sexual, erotic loving, energetically flowing, talking openly, connected, our hearts and bodies joined in rhythm.

"Over a couple of days I felt Frank's energy shift. He seemed to go away. I felt a terrible distance between us. I felt abandoned. I didn't know what had happened. Did I do something to turn him off? When I asked him what had happened he came out of his emotional "trance." Luckily he is aware enough to be able to express what was going on inside himself."

Frank: "I could not have felt more caring nor closer to Sara. I was so in love. I finally was with the woman I had always wanted. Suddenly an inner voice started nagging at me, 'Frank, you idiot, don't let yourself get too close. Remember the last time you fell in love. She left you ten years later and you suffered for a long time. If you love, you'll just get hurt again.' My heart and chest tightened. Love and excitement was drowned out by fears of abandonment, mourning and pain.

"I then realized that catastrophic expectations often snuff out my feelings of love. Feelings I so dearly want in my life. I recognized that my transition from love to fears of abandonment was keeping me from getting close to a woman. I could be safe, but the price was loneliness. I don't want that anymore. I am going to risk the love thing."

Frank created the disaster scene out of his fears of being abandoned just as he felt everything he had ever wanted was actually happening. He was feeling more love than he could tolerate so he found a way to end the pleasurable sensations in his body and mind. Most people do that one way or another. We each have our own style of sabotaging ourselves just at the point when we start having really good things happen to us. Then we blame the other person for our bad feelings.

There is another way of handling it. Recognize that you are the creator of your own Titanic movie. You can produce another movie like As Good As It Gets, in which you move from fear to love. Then with a sense of humour you can remind yourself, "This is not a crisis. I am probably just feeling loving. Risk nothing, get nothing." Love like you'll never hurt again.

Jim Sellner, Ph.D., Dip.C. has been in private practice in Vancouver for 21 years. He can be reached at (604) 224-0715.

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