Harriet Lerner, mother, feminist, psychotherapist and author of best-selling books such as The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Intimacy, has written a book about mothering --The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life.

Her opening paragraph sets the tone for the book: "Being a mother comes about as naturally to me as being an astronaut. This fact alone should inspire trust. Who wants to read anything written by a mother who is arrogant, who sails through effortlessly, whose eyes always shine brightly when she says, 'I am a mother,' in response to the question 'What do you do?'. I have none of the aforementioned problems, so I am well suited to offer my honest experience and best thinking about mothering and how it transforms us -- and all our relationships -- both inside and out."

Although I have read many books on the topic of parenting I found The Mother Dance to be both refreshing and useful. It's funny, for the most part non-judgmental, and combines on-the-job wisdom with a good therapist's insight into the role of mother and how our personal history affects how we mother. The book also gives many great examples of the range of mothers' experiences, including single mothers, adoptive mothers, stepmothers, ambitious career mothers, new mothers, and mothers of teenagers.

The Mother Dance takes us through Harriet Lerner's passage from life with no kids, through the birth and growing up of two sons, and into life with no kids at home. "My first pregnancy taught me the basics about motherhood. I learned that we are not in control of what happens to our children, that this fact needn't stop us from feeling totally guilty and responsible, that matters of life and death turn on a dime, and that most of what we worry about doesn't happen (although bad things happen that we fail to anticipate). These are the essential lessons of motherhood that were repeated again and again throughout my childraising experience, and the universe taught them to me right up front."

The therapist side of Dr. Lerner includes consideration of rarely examined aspects of mothering, such as women's often unconscious motives to conceive a child, and how our own birth order, our personal history, and unresolved issues can influence how we parent. "Everything that is unresolved and stressful in your past and current life will prime you to worry more intensely about your child," she writes, "...We all confuse our children with other family members and with denied aspects of ourselves." I really appreciated Dr. Lerner's reminders that we need to keep giving ourselves some attention rather than solely focusing on our children.

Repeatedly, The Mother Dance pokes holes in the myth of the "good mother": "Many mothers feel a pressure to bond with their baby in the 'right' way, like the pressure a person feels to appear radiantly happy at her wedding or to describe a wonderful time in a postcard sent home from vacation. They are convinced that they should feel an immediate, exhilarating, all-consuming passion for their new infant. But mothers have every variety of response to the crisis that a new baby presents. All generalizations about maternal feelings are problematic when they tell what is normal, right, true, or 'almost unanimous' for new mothers to feel."

This of course holds for all stages of mothering and I personally can't be reminded enough that there is not one right way to raise a child. Dr. Lerner offers great advice: don't let anyone tell you what to do; follow your heart and your mind in determining what's best for your family and your particular circumstance; investigate your personal history to help you avoid mixing yourself up with your mother, and your new baby with yourself; and seek out support from other like-minded, truth-seeking mothers.

Because The Mother Dance spans the issues that a mother faces from a child's infancy to his or her departure from the nest, there is something of value for almost all mothers. What was most reassuring for me as I read the book was the reminder that "however the infancy and baby periods go for you, there will be many forks in the road. At every age and stage of family life, you have the opportunity to negotiate a change with a spouse or partner around the crucial arena of who does what and to reassess your priorities, values, and life plan as well as the needs of your child and family. What works for your best friend may not work for you. What works for you this year may not fit next year. Experience (which Oscar Wilde defined as 'the name we give to our mistakes') will be your teacher."

Zoe Lewis welcomes comments or article ideas at raising@axionet.com

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