When Sally arrives at preschool she gives her Mom a quick hug and strides confidently into the room. Her teacher describes her as a pretty independent young lady, sure of herself and able to make decisions.

Most parents want their children to be like Sally. But all too often we find ourselves engaging in parenting practices which make it difficult for our child to become independent and her own person.

In an effort to keep our precious children safe, it's easy to become over-protective.

We hover over him and make sure as he learns to take his first steps that he never falters, never falls. We make sure she plays in pristine environments and never gets dirty. We protect her from any frustration by saving her when she tries something new and difficult, making sure we never ask her to take on a new task or activity until she's certain to succeed on the first try.

We make all decisions for him and do everything for him.

Or we give him exorbitant praise for the least accomplishment and make no demands for improvement.

All these behaviors will make it very difficult for our child to become independent.

Increasingly, there are those who say that included in this list is automatically responding to our infant's crying or bringing him into our bed. The theory is that this will cause the child to become dependent as he's being protected from dealing with the fears and insecurities of the dark, from handling his own nightmares and from learning how to control loneliness on his own.

But the truth is that children learn to become independent and stand on their own feet by feeling secure in the knowledge that there is someone there to support them in time of need.

Whether we decide to go to our baby when she cries and help her settle down or bring her to our bed, the point is that babies need the security of knowing we're there for them. They don't cry at night to manipulate us. They cry at night because they need us. And when their needs are met they learn to trust the world.

Then they have the strength to become strong and independent as they know we'll be there to support, guide, nurture and hear them.

Kathy Lynn is President of Parenting Today, and the author of three audio books, including "Stop It You Two!" and "I Like Me!".

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