Proactive Preteen Parenting

by Joan Schultz, M.Ed.

As a parent of four children who range in age from elementary to early teen years, I rarely feel like I'm meeting every parenting challenge with great success. No other thing I do challenges me to the extent that parenting does. Despite the books I've read, classes I've taken (and taught!), nothing has prepared me for its surprises and new experiences. No other occupation can so intertwine the daily drudgeries necessary for care taking with the complete unexpectedness and delight of four small proportions of humanity, interacting in mischievous and sometimes delightful ways with each other.

So then, why am I writing this article, after just this week experiencing socks being flushed down the toilet, being ambushed by Nerf gun warfare and hearing new heights of literary fantasy put to use in description of sibling brains?

Part of the reason that I risk giving suggestions to other parents is that I have observed some things that do work - not just in our family, but in many others also. With four children on the threshold of their teen years, I'm more senstive to what can be done now to help them through a potentially difficult time.

Just what is it that makes these years so "potentially difficult"? I believe it's the combination of peer devaluation along with a teenager's emerging independence form his/ her parents and greater reliance on outside opinions. Devaluation from peers can be expected - our child's ability to handle the devaluation may depend to a great extent on what resources and relationships we provide to them in their preteen years.

These are a few strategies that, when thoughtfully implemented, build a solid foundation for our children as they metamorphasize from child to adult:

  1. Examine your family values and how they're communicated in your home.
    Recognize that the values in our society, with their emphasis on beauty, athletics or moneymaking abilities are not what bring true happiness. Teach your children that quality of life depends more on internal qualities demonstrated through acts of kindness, courage, and fidelity, to name a few.
  2. Teach your children a "No Knock Policy".
    Children in the home aren't allowed to put themselves down, or others down. Verbally reward a young child for using positive descriptions and set the example yourself of using five positive comments for every correction you give them, for instance.
  3. Encourage you preteen to follow through on an interest,
    to develop competence in something he enjoys or shows ability in. This will help hold your teen's self esteem in place when he feels discouraged about himself. Competence is something that can't be taken away. Point out the areas she does well in, to get her started.
  4. Communicate regularly and individually, with each child.
    If possible, plan a special "date" with each child. Let her know you're interested in her interests by asking questions and listening to their responses.
  5. If one child is presenting with problematic behavious, deal with him privately.
    Don't allow other siblings or yourself as a parent to label any one child as "the problem"; rather say, "We have a problem here with this situation; how can we deal with it?" Then make a plan with the child to deal with it proactively.
  6. Family meetings are a preemptive way to resolve crises before they begin.
    The meetings can happen at a set time, or around the supper table one night a week. This is a good time to note "what's working well" in the family, as well as providing an opportunity to discuss concerns before they create problems. For eample, if you note an increasing trend in name calling, you can dismiss the impact of negative comments and how they detrimentally affect the whole family. Remember to always finish the meeting with encouragement.
  7. Encourage healthy friendships with your child's peers.
    Get involved as "the mom" or "the dad" who the kids like. Despite the mess and disorganization, let it be your home that they want to come to after school. Know where your kids are and what they're doing, always. Expect accountability for their whereabouts with phone calls or notes. I remember one teenager complaining to her friend about her mom always having to know where she was - the other's response was, "At least your mom cares about you." Our kids protest these things at times, and sometimes as parents, we have to give our kids the right things to protest about!
  8. Finally, adjust your expectations to realistic ones.
    I know I'm not a perfect parent - and my children aren't going to be perfect either. One of the things I can expect during this time of "hormonal fluctuation" is that my preteens will be irritable occasionally, out of sorts, and looking for an argument. In fact, they sort of sound like me before I've had my morning coffee! What they need from us is a steadiness - a stability in direction, values, and unconditional love for them. Oh yes - and maybe they need me to have my morning coffee before I interact with them too early!

Joan Schultz, M.Ed., is a registered Clinical Counsellor in private practice with Denis Boyd & Associates in Coquitlam. Joan provides family and marriage counselling for all types of relationship issues, and can be reached at 931-7211.