What is it about toilet training that makes many competent, confident, and capable parents quake in their shoes? While some children take to learning to use the potty with ease, for other families, toilet training is the straw that almost breaks the familial back.

A friend's four-year-old daughter continues to use a diaper for all her bowel movements. My friend has tried pretty much everything she could think of to help her daughter overcome her reluctance to use the toilet. She has nurtured, she has encouraged, and she has coaxed -- all to no avail. Another friend's passionate, strong-willed three-year-old daughter has gone through a phase of pooing and peeing in every imaginable spot in the house.

Recent research on toilet training offers new insights into toilet training problems and solutions. A study published in the journal Pediatrics found that only 60% of all children are potty trained by age three -- a rather startling statistic given that many children start preschool at that age, and most preschools require that children are toilet trained before they can begin school. The study also found that more than one in five toddlers refuses or resists using the toilet for bowel movements, even though they will do so for urination. For some children, the unwillingness to defecate can cause constipation so severe it requires a doctor's intervention.

The study's author, Dr. Bruce Taubman, theorizes that a child's reluctance may be caused by parents inadvertently teaching their kids that poop and pooping are bad. "Children are picking up on negative feelings in our culture about stools and feces," he says. "Children learn that it is an unpleasant thing when parents use words like 'stinkies' or say, 'Go change the baby because he smells,'" says Taubman, a pediatrician who teaches at the University of Pennsylvania medical school.

What should parents do if their child won't use the potty for bowel movements? The answer is simple, Taubman says. "Put them back in diapers. The child isn't ready yet."

Dr. William Sears, father of eight and a pediatrician for over 20 years, has this to say in his book Creative Parenting: "The first step to is ask yourself what your attitude is toward toilet training your child. Do you regard this feat as your accomplishment? Do you view toilet training as a duty of good mothering to be mastered by a magical age which is set by your social group or outside pressures? If you have these feelings, let me suggest an alternative approach. Let's consider toilet training as a developmental skill which your child will learn when he is ready. Your guidance begins when he is ready and continues at a pace directed by him."

Dr. Sears suggests you watch for cues that your toddler is ready. Signs include interest in the toilet or potty, indicating a desire to be changed as soon as a diaper is soiled, and using words to indicate that she or he "is going," "has gone," or "is about to go." While each child is unique, experts seem to agree that is helpful for a child to have a personal potty, rather than be expected to master the toilet straight off.

You may want to wait until your child has enough verbal skills to express that he or she needs to use the potty before embarking on toilet training. Once children seem interested in using the toilet, parents can greatly assist by being attuned to their children's signals and by encouraging the use of the potty throughout the day. Dr. Sears suggests that parents walk their children over to the potty, rather than carry them if they indicate that they want to use it, so as to capitalize on the desire of their toddler to do it "all by myself."

I bought a potty for my son Nathaniel when he was about 18 months old and put it next to our upstairs toilet. For months he would practice sitting on it, clothed and unclothed, and he would imitate us when my husband and I used the toilet. I used to encourage him and say, "When you're ready, you can use the potty to go pee and poo like Mama and Daddy." It was six months before he actually started to use it, but in retrospect it seems that it really helped that he had time to play with it and get used to it before there was any expectation that he actually use it. I was lucky -- toilet training evolved very smoothly for my son. Yet the transition time still spanned one full year for daytime diapers and another year to stop using a diaper at night.

Toilet training is one of the biggest hurdles for parents of young children. In the process, we parents will spend a lot of time undressing our kids and sitting with them as they perch on their potties, only to have them hop off and pee on the floor two minutes later. As with any other aspect of parenting, a sense of humour and large doses of patience and compassion will stand us in good measure. If we adopt a child-oriented approach to toilet training and remember that using the toilet is something that our children need to learn rather than something that we need to teach, then the process will go much more smoothly for our children and ourselves.

Zoe Lewis welcomes comments or article ideas at raising@axionet.com.

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