Miscarriage: A Definite Loss

by Elizabeth Shaffer

The loss felt as a result of miscarriage, although different for all women, is definite and real. Despite the absence of a physical baby for those around her to mourn, the loss for a woman is concrete.

According to the authors of Miscarriage: Women Sharing from the Heart, over twothirds of the women they interviewed viewed their miscarriages as "the death of their children." While the majority of miscarriages occur within the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, before most women can feel any kicking or moving from their baby, many have already begun to bond with their baby. They think about their baby when deciding what to eat, whether or not to exercise or how much to sleep.

Approximately 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. For some women it may be a first occurrence, while for others, it may be a second or third miscarriage. Regardless, it's often a lonely and terrifying experience.

Sometimes women are made to feel they are overreacting and shouldn't be so upset. While some women will take it harder than others, the loss felt as a result of miscarriage must not go unrecognized by those around them. We all deal with loss and grief differently. Women who experience a miscarriage need to be allowed the time and space to grieve their loss.

I wasn't prepared for the loss I felt after miscarrying. From the moment that I first found out I was pregnant I began to see myself as a mother. Usually, they tell you to wait to share the news, as the chances of miscarriage are greatest within the first 12 weeks. However, it didn't take me 12 weeks to fall in love with the child growing inside of me. Instantly, I began to imagine myself as a mother.

The idea that "it was for the best," wasn't what I'd wanted to hear. Neither did it do me any comfort to "look on the bright side," for I couldn't see a bright side.

Often, those meaning well or just not thinking may trivialize a woman's loss or tell her to cheer up and move past it. Saying the wrong thing, regardless of how well meaning, can be very hurtful. Telling a woman that she is still young and can easily get pregnant again is no comfort, but instead seems to trivialize her loss. To the mother, this is genuine loss and it must be treated as such.

Often a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" is sufficient. Stating statistics or counting off all the people that you know who have miscarried isn't always helpful either. Women who have experienced a miscarriage are aware of the statistics, but each loss to every woman who miscarries is a personal one, and should be recognized as such. Often partners may not feel as great a loss or may grieve for a shorter period of time. This isn't uncommon. If the miscarriage occurs in the first 12 weeks, often the partner hasn't had any physical contact with the baby such as feeling it kick, whereas the woman has had time to bond with the baby as it grows inside of her. Because a man may not grieve as long, it doesn't mean that he hasn't also felt a loss.

When a woman experiences a miscarriage, regardless of statistical commonality, it leaves with her a sense of loss that needs to be acknowledged. It's an experience that you get through, but that stays and becomes a part of who you are, regardless of the children that may or may not follow.

ZIPPER: It didn't take me 12 weeks to fall in love with the child growing inside of me.